If only being a dotty old racist was a crime
BY PRIYANKA ARIBINDI, BRIAN BEUTLER
& CROOKED MEDIA
Wednesday, March 21, 2018 | | |
Congress must pass a spending bill by midnight tomorrow in order to avoid a government shutdown. On Wednesday evening, Republicans in Congress finally released the text of the $1.3 trillion funding bill, a.k.a the omnibus, which includes: • $1.6 billion for border funding (Trump wanted $25 billion for a wall, and threatened to veto the bill when he didn’t get it, until Paul Ryan talked him off the ledge) • $680 million to protect elections • $4.7 billion to fight the opioid epidemic • A pay raise for the troops • The Fix NICS bill that’d make modest improvements to the existing national background check system. Not in the bill: protections for Dreamers, an Obamacare stabilization package, or anything to protect Mueller. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer says Dems are “feeling very good about this...We’ve accomplished many, many, many of our goals." The House Freedom Caucus, however, isn’t on board. Their classic objections were there: no border security, no concealed-carry reciprocity, and no defunding of Planned Parenthood and sanctuary cities. But they did have one good point: “leadership is forcing a vote on this 2,232-page bill in under 36 hours, far from an adequate amount of time to read and analyze it.” Bottom line: Everyone knew Freedom Caucus would oppose this. Point is, Trump’s on board. Schumer’s on board. Ryan and McConnell are on board. This thing is passing. | SESSIONS v. MCCABE: THE PREQUEL | A year before Attorney General Jeff Sessions fired former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, McCabe oversaw a criminal investigation into Sessions himself. Twist? The investigation focused on whether Sessions lacked candor during his testimony to Congress over his contact with Russian individuals. Sessions’ legal team would not confirm that the AG was unaware of McCabe’s investigation prior to firing him last Friday, and says that Sessions is not under investigation by Mueller for perjury. If only being a dotty old racist was a crime! In other fun personnel news, Kellyanne Conway might be next up to replace Hope Hicks as an interim White House Communications Director, which is as cursed as the Defense Against The Dark Arts position at Hogwarts. | | |
This morning the Austin bombing suspect was identified as Mark Conditt, 23. During a confrontation with law enforcement, he killed himself with an explosive device. Four bombs had exploded in Austin since March 2, killing two and injuring four people, and a fifth bomb exploded early Tuesday at a FedEx sorting facility 60 miles southwest of Austin. Authorities believe there are no more bombs out in the public, though they’re encouraging awareness. Though no motive has yet been identified, authorities discovered a 25-minute confession Conditt recorded on his phone where he specifically describes six bombs he constructed. His Google search history shows that he was looking up other addresses in the Austin area. | Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg finally broke his silence over the Cambridge Analytica data breach, taking responsibility for Facebook’s role. Among the reforms Facebook is introducing in response, Zuckerberg says, is “a tool at the top of your News Feed [that shows] the apps you've used and an easy way to revoke those apps' permissions to your data.” Facebook will also revoke the access developers have to your information if you haven’t used their apps in over three months. But when will Mark Zuckerberg apologize for Farmville? Bring back MySpace. Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman (MBS) reportedly bragged that Jared Kushner was “in his pocket” after Kushner shared information that he may have learned from classified intelligence about Saudis who were disloyal to MBS during a struggle for power in the country. A week later, the country began a massive “anti corruption sweep,” and locked up dissenters in a Ritz Carlton. This does NOT sound good, but we’d really appreciate it if someone photoshopped Jared Kushner poking out of a grown man’s pocket. Wait, why don’t we do that? Oh cool, we did do that! George Nader, a cooperating witness in Mueller’s investigation, lobbied a top Trump fundraiser on behalf of Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates. Nader and fundraiser Elliott Broidy pushed the White House to fire Rex Tillerson and to increase pressure on Iran and Qatar. We suspect Mueller’s team is very interested in this story, and it’s another reminder why you shouldn’t put your idiot son-in-law in charge of foreign policy. Trump’s announcing at least $50 billion worth of tariffs and penalties on China tomorrow. Thankfully, an economic expert told us trade wars are easy to win. A judge has temporarily blocked the newly signed Mississippi law that bans women from getting abortions after being pregnant for 15 weeks—the nation’s earliest abortion ban. The only abortion clinic that exists in the state sought the temporary restraining order from the Court. Also in Mississippi, GOP Governor Phil Bryant named former Democrat-turned-Republican Cindy Hyde-Smith to replace GOP Sen. Thad Cochran, who is stepping down April 1 because of health problems. She will be the first woman to ever represent Mississippi in Congress.
Starbucks is offering $10 milion for ideas on how to make better, more recyclable cups. FYI: Coffee cups are “an environmental nightmare” that take 20-ish years to decompose, so if you give a shit about the planet you should probably invest in a Crooked Media branded mug, $15 before taxes and shipping—wow what a deal!!!!!!!
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On Pod Save the People: Brittany Packnett reflects on the life of Marielle Franco, an Afro-Brazilian politician who fought against police brutality and for the rights of women and marginalized favela residents. Franco was gunned down in Rio de Janeiro last week and her death has sparked protests and mourning across Latin America. | | |
Democratic turnout was up 300% from the last midterm primaries in 2014 in the Illinois primaries yesterday—another indicator that Democratic voters are increasingly motivated and enthusiastic as we head into the 2018 midterms. Republican turnout, on the other hand, plunged by 30% from 2014. This is a good sign because we need more people to vote for Democrats than Republicans in November. Analysis. | The New York Times is questioning Cynthia Nixon’s suitability for her own gubernatorial aspirations in a news article (rather than an op-ed), by pointing to the character she played in a TV show, saying “she earned her celebrity and fortune through a pop cultural product, ‘Sex and the City’ that promoted a vision of New York that stands entirely in opposition to her professed values… [and] helped solidify the image of the city as a luxury brand—an elite, fantastical consumer paradise where it was never too early or too late in the day to buy an $800 pair of shoes.” Newsflash, NYT, it’s called ACTING. We must have missed the story where you predicted Arnold Schwarzenegger would terminate the citizens of California. And if you had watched a single fucking episode of ‘Sex and the City’ you would know that it was Carrie running around buying shoes all the time—not Miranda. Miranda’s flaw was working too hard! Ira Madison III, Kara Brown, and the self-dubbed “Empress of Caucasia” Louis Virtel dig into the Miranda of it all on the latest Keep It.
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