BY PRIYANKA ARIBINDI, BRIAN BEUTLER
& CROOKED MEDIA

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

—Rep. Billy Long (R-MO), who definitely came prepared for Zuckerberg’s House testimony

RYRY GOES BYE BYE

House Speaker Paul Ryan announced he will not seek re-election in 2018, confirming speculation and reporting that Ryan and his advisers had disputed for weeks. Ryan claims his decision to retire has nothing to do with politics, and mostly reflects his desire to strike a healthier work-life balance—a balance he’s worked his entire career to make increasingly inaccessible to the non-wealthy. Feel free to let the door hit you on the way out.

Ryan will serve out the remainder of his term, which means he will likely play out his last days by continuing to help Trump cover up crimes and corruption, and tamper with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation. Here for instance is Ryan’s henchman Devin Nunes threatening to impeach Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and FBI Director Chris Wray:

From Brian Beutler: He’s quitting just as the consequences of his actions come to a head, and if the House of Representatives, or the fabric of democracy, can’t withstand the choices he made, that’s our problem. There isn’t really much else to say about his public service. Goodbye Paul Ryan. Now you’ll have lots of time to play Mario Kart with John Boehner.

From Jon Lovett: There ought to be a word for when someone you don’t trust, someone you view as a fraud, still manages to break your heart.  As much as I am a partisan, I thought better of Paul Ryan and I was naïve about just how far the Republican party had fallen.

Ryan’s announcement provided cover to Rep. Dennis Ross (R-FL) who also announced his retirement, bringing the total number of House Republicans who are not seeking re-election to 46.

It’s also worth noting that Ryan’s primary opponent is Nazi sympathizer Paul Nehlen, who is one of America’s most prominent white nationalists and (for now) the Republican frontrunner in Ryan’s home district. Though with Ryan gone, other Republicans will likely enter the race.

TRUMP IS (STILL) MAD ONLINE

In a series of increasingly demented tweets, Trump seesawed between threatening Russia and Syria with military force, and blaming bad relations with Russia on Democrats. Confused? So were the Russians.

“Russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles fired at Syria. Get ready Russia,  because they will be coming, nice and new and ‘smart!’” Trump tweeted semi-literately. “You shouldn’t be partners with a Gas Killing Animal who kills his people and enjoys it!”

He cleaned up this little mess by asking Russia to “Stop the arms race?” and blaming the “bad blood” on the “Fake & Corrupt Russia investigation.” Yes, the problem is the investigation, not Russia subverting our election, invading Crimea, supporting Assad, nested dolls, etc. We’d call it Trump’s apology tour, but he never leaves the house.

Trump’s escalating attacks on Robert Mueller have made some Republicans uncomfortable enough that they’re banding together to put senators on the record about whether the Russia investigation should be protected. Sens. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), Thom Tillis (R-NC), Cory Booker (D-NJ), and Chris Coons (D-DE) have co-authored a bipartisan Senate bill designed to protect the special counsel. The Senate Judiciary Committee could take up the legislation as early as next week. We’re sure that Mitch McConnell will rush it to the floor for a vote 😉.

The Missouri House Committee investigating sexual misconduct allegations against the state’s GOP governor, Eric Greitens, released a lengthy, bombshell report containing sworn testimony from the woman who accused him of forcing her into a “non-consensual sexual encounter.” Now the Republican House Speaker of Missouri says they will hold a special session to consider recommendations on impeachment, and the Missouri Attorney General (also a Republican) has called for him to resign.

The FBI’s raid on Michael Cohen sought records related to the Access Hollywood tape and evidence of Cohen trying to bury unfavorable information about Trump during the campaign. According to the New York Times, details from the warrant point to the prosecutors’ interest in “Cohen’s unofficial role in the Trump campaign.”

Robert Mueller has requested 35 blank subpoenas to issue to witnesses in the trial against former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort. Thirty-Five Blank Subpoenas is our second favorite Wu-Tang album.

Scott Fucking Pruitt tried to update EPA memorabilia by removing the agency’s seal and replacing it with HIS NAME. Also, who the hell collects EPA memorabilia?! (From Lovett: Someone is jealous of my mint condition Christine Todd Whitman rookie card.) House Oversight Chairman Trey Gowdy (R-SC) also says Pruitt didn’t turn over all of the necessary documentation of his official travel and lease agreement.

Retired House Speaker John Boehner has discovered the joys of weed. He announced he’s “evolved on” the stance he took while in office and that he’s joining the board of a marijuana company:  “I’m convinced de-scheduling the drug is needed so we can do research, help our veterans, and reverse the opioid epidemic ravaging our communities.” No mention of the millions of people, particularly people of color, whose lives were negatively impacted while he pushed for harsher penalties for drug possession.

The Trump Organization is suing towns across the country for lower tax bills—they’ve filed at least nine new suits since Trump took office, according to ProPublica. Cool company.

Ezra Cohen-Watnick, a Devin Nunes protégé who helped him run interference against the Russia investigation from his former perch at the National Security Council, is joining the Justice Department as Jeff Sessions’ national security adviser, at Trump’s direction. A Trump mole at DOJ. Terrific.

The Trump administration is reportedly weighing a plan that would allow states to require some food stamp recipients to submit to drug testing. Let’s also do this for the carried interest loophole.

The NRA admitted that since 2015 it has received money from about 23 Russians or Americans living in Russia. This follows reports that the FBI is investigating whether Russians used the NRA to influence the 2016 election.

Bank of America is no longer lending to manufacturers of “military style firearms for civilian use.”

On Keep It: Ira, Kara, and Louis talk racism on The Simpsons, the Twitter fight between Jimmy Kimmel and Sean Hannity, and teen comedies with Blockers director Kay Cannon. Plus, they drag Lovett for not knowing who Cardi B is.

Listen →

You may think we get a little hysterical here sometimes, but, yeah, a bunch of Republicans think personal loyalty to Donald Trump should be included in a background check.

Also, ABC’s new James Comey interview promo is straight out of Tropic Thunder. We’d watch the interview regardless, but the possibility that whoever made this clip might be working on Sunday’s show is reason enough to get excited.

Video shows U.S. Border Patrol agents illegally trying to force an injured man across the border into Mexico because he “looks” Mexican. For the record, they are breaking international law.

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